Diary of an anxious soul and how pole dancing saved me : an autoethnography

Abstract

Þórhallsdóttir, Sveindís. (2017). Diary of an anxious soul and how pole dancing saved me: An autoethnography. Master’s thesis in sport and exercise psychology. Faculty of Sport Sciences. University of Jyväskylä. 150p.

In this thesis, I use narrative reflection from an evocative autoethnographic standpoint to explore the multifaceted interaction between stereotypes, norms and values and their effect on my perception of my own worth, my battle with generalized anxiety disorder and with my cognitive dissonance fused frustration related to discovering and enjoying a highly stigmatized recreational activity – recreational pole dancing. The text features analysis of important events in my life in a loosely based chronological fashion where the demands of society and my inextinguishable need to please conflict with my ever-stronger love for a heavily scrutinized sport. The analysis dives into character definition through anxiety, impostor syndrome (Clance, 1985) and feminist theory (Bennett, 2006; Bruckert, 2002; Gill, 2007; Jarrett, 1999) as I struggle to define myself within a patriarchal society. The story highlights how pole dancing, a stigmatized exercise activity, has made me able to gradually discover, appreciate and accept my true strengths and take the necessary steps towards self-acceptance. The paper begins with a literature review of topics relevant to the analysis and continues with a narrative reflection in the form of an evocative account of my lived experiences.