The Most Invisible Maternal Experience? : Analysing How Maternal Regret Is Discussed in Finland

In Finland, becoming a mother is often constructed as an individual choice that ultimately leads to personal fulfilment and happiness, despite the occasional ‘negative’ feelings associated with motherhood such as exhaustion, frustration and tiredness. In this cultural atmosphere, maternal regret continues to be a subject that is hidden, forbidden and rarely scrutinised. It is perhaps surprising that in one of the world’s most gender egalitarian countries, which is also perceived to be one of the best countries in which to be a mother, women still testify that motherhood is limited to survival. We argue that, somewhat paradoxically, discussing the negative emotions of motherhood might be particularly difficult in a relatively gender egalitarian society, where family policies are (by international comparison) fairly comprehensive and where becoming a mother is strongly constructed as a ‘free choice’. These discourses often hide the fact that parenthood in Finland is still extremely gendered. Finland’s masculine work culture with long working hours, the tendency for mothers and fathers not to take equal parental leave periods, and the cuts to welfare state services for families all contribute to the gendered division of parenthood. What are rarely discussed in connection with the struggles of mothering are political demands to improve gender equality. This chapter analyses discussion of maternal regret on an anonymous Finnish online discussion board. In comments from regretful mothers, motherhood is constructed as all-consuming, draining work. Hiding regret, especially from children, is seen as essential, as these mothers fear that their lack of ‘correct’ feelings will have adverse effects on their children. In comments responding to these regretful mothers, disbelief is a recurring theme with commenters suggesting that regretful mothers have misrecognised self-inflicted exhaustion or postnatal depression as regret. Such individualising responses depoliticise regret, contributing to the maintenance of taboos around motherhood.